Welcome to a New Life poem

 Hey welcome to a new life a new chapter a new striving

A new everything but that memory, still sitting in me

A new apartment a new life a same outlook hiding

But i cant even seem happy when im smiling

And its not the same unhappy i had a long time ago

Its the unhappy that comes with experience

And its not the same sadness that i felt when anticipating

That waiting has ended, theres not much to wait for anymore

Except your face in my dreams, except ur voice telling me

That youre still here around me somewhere

Theres only that to wait for, and silently i do but your voice fades

And all i see is actions but not towards me but others

And all i want is passion that you and i both had

I guess it left little by little with you

I guess it had to, you were the reason for it all

And after that, summer passed and then fall

And i stood alone in the rain, counting my shame

But im not supposed to feel guilty they said

They said i did the best i could do without being an expert

On things like the heart and life and conditions

And i had no authority in the end over your life

But your life was my life, so they took a piece of me too

And for that ill never forgive them and neither should you

But you did, i can tell, cause you were that kind of man

You were the kind that was kind and fierce and now

The holidays are never the same, no more dancing in the rain

No more counting my blessings because i cant even pick up the phone

And call you, i dont even know what id say anymore

Hello , its me, your granddaughter, hello i need you more now

Hello, i thought youd be here forever, hello where are you

Now, hello i can only hear dialtone, 

Hello, this feeling wont leave me alone

And all along i just wanted to tell you

That another generation is soon to approach

And they say that you can hear everything the other person says

When youre gone, you can hear and youre near

But i just want to be sure, that you know you were my cure

And that you were the best part of the family

I was always on your side, we were teammates

You made me laugh and cry and soon i was a teenaged

Enraged girl, that didnt want to let anyone into her world

But you were still there, even though you said you didnt care

You said youll never let me come over again, but i know that was pretend

Cause i couldnt stay away and neither could you

And theres nothing mom or grandma could do

To separate the two, cause it was us against them

Us against everyone , do you know what happened that night

When i found out? I was wailing and howling like an animal

I didnt even know that sound could come out

But there i was, not able to believe, and then a couple days later

There was no sound coming out my mouth

Just dark thoughts, i grabbed a knife and thought

What if i went to that nurse and showed her what its like

To rip out someone elses throat…. But i couldnt do it,

I wasnt afraid anymore, i was just angry and at who i wasnt sure

And i couldnt deal, i remember blacking out

I never saw you, but that day i had dressed in black

Ready to be a dark valentine for someone, but it was for you

The cupid that hit me missed the mark

It was supposed to be a couple, me and you

But instead she left out the two and just made me one

And i looked in the mirror like the funeral had already begun

But i blacked out, i couldnt stand what was in my head i couldnt move

And everyone i talked to after that, i dont remember 

Nor do i want to, because its not fair, to remember something

That trivial but forget the important parts, like when they saw me 

Come every day, and said i was the best family member they ever saw

And yet, they still took you away from me

Because i was taking too long to say goodbye

Because i was seeing you try, because i had no money

Because i was fooling to think youd open your eyes

And be the same man that you were just two weeks prior

But they expect everyone to expire, they wait for the bed

I cant get that out of my head, the words that they said

That youre gone no, i changed it instead, they took you from me

Murder in the first degree. They couldnt wait any longer so

They took you from me. I was trying my hardest but got tired

And in my moment of weakness they took you from me

I had a say but they took you from me.

They did what i wanted them not to do

And then there was no more you

They took you from me

Thats all i remember going on in my head

That was too painful so i blacked out instead

Cause who would blame someone that wasnt there

Wasnt right in the head, for doing what i should have done

But i dont remember anything after that so who knows?

I just miss you now thats all, its been too long

I even picked up the phone to tell you that you were gonna be

A great grandfather, to a little girl that you could call ‘zhutchka;’ 

All over again, pra-vnuchka, zhuchka, 

But then i remembered that you were not there

So im writing you this instead, hopefully it gets to you

Somewhere in the sky where birds fly, 

Maybe you’re one of them, who knows?

I just wish you were here, being happy with me about this

And leading me in ways that only you would be able to

I miss you.