Partial to Contentment Epic Poem

 Partial to contentment, i am avid to resentment

Lectured cluelessly abrupt, i erupt and fled the scene

I was in my mind when it happened, no blaming me

I was not conscious i have no recollection

I am my own collection

I am fearing all of life every time i call out

I was thinking i opt out of all this drama

Coming over, i was thinking i was not the one that started

But here;s the kicker

Im not conscious of the start so im the one that 

Parted ways, im the one that exhumed my feelings

One by one with rising sun

I am the one thats in control so i took a toll

Time to stand up and watch me suffer and take hold

And accept

I caused all this and regret but i cant go back

I cant go forward either though i can only watch the mess

Come up and rise above me to scare me

And grit its teeth at me , with empty

Threats cause i was the one that caused it

So i, can be the one that takes away its power

I am the one that stood there racing around the clock

When the clock wasn’t even time, it was space

And little by little space was erased, 

I just grazed at my grass, sat and laughed in my hay

Sat like a pig in the sty , and no blame of it was falling on i

Blame is all on u and you and sometimes us but mostly you

And i can not apologize enough except to construe a similar part two

To part one that has become everything i ever thought

Was partially only my fault but how can i hear myself say

That it was not me, what did i do? Did i do it all and not even wake up

To see the blood on my hands, or even the victory dance

Or even the enemies slain, but where was i? Asleep, staying

In my room in my head, watching the bloodshed as i slept

Thinking it’ll be over once i open my zoned out eyes

Oh wait, i cant see anything thats in front of me

Only outwardly portray what’s in, but ur not him, and im not them

And enemy inside is not enemy right in front

And i still target everything like on ur mark, get set, take off

At everything

Take off and fly into the limit of my mind, oh wait there is none

So where do i go? Into the clouds, out on parol, thinking ill never be locked up

In my head, i gotta escape, all these “please help me”s aint helping

I gotta come up with a better way to address this

Cause when i think im screaming help me im really saying stay away

When im thinking im crying i feel so weak i wanna melt

And then i stare in your eyes and it’s like my world shatters again

But this time its the real world and not pretend

And this time im staring face to face with my present and future

And everything i stand for and cant bear to lose

Cause ur precious and i love you but how many times

Can i say this and do this and go over in my mind

What not to do when lets go back, i dont do it dont blame me

Im just screaming help

In the best way i know how to , and it starts with a yelp

And it becomes a roar and it becomes a command rather than a beg

Ugh, beg, where did i ever learn that? Well i never did

Who do i kid? I really learned everything about begging and lesson 1

On begging is to make the other person think they thought of helping you

And not the other way around cause you never wanna play the fool

So here i misconstrue what i thought was my defense

When really its attack, while i tie up both my hands

And i play victim and sit down and wait for u to read aloud

The awful praise you have for me, how we will forever be

And i believe that i really do, but i dont wanna deal with this, why do u?

Why cant u fix it, evict it, erradicate it? Destroy it, stomp on it, i dont want it

I want you to see me for what i wanna be seen

And never the little girl thats broken pretending to be clean

I thought i shined myself up and polished myself enough

To give myself off to you in a platter with sides to no end, with everything u want

I didnt wanna give you this to deal with, but here

This is what you get for wanting everything of me, i did not mean to pull it out

 I wish i could fold it neatly

But packaging it away will only make it appear another day

And another way, and another exciting adventure in the world of me

But i regarded my world as being mostly you and as little me as possible

Cause little me is impossible, and bigger me cant handle it

And bigger you , oh bigger you was so much stronger than little me

Cant you kick her around a bit so she could learn her lesson

And stop testing your patience, even though you miraculously have more

How do u do? I wish i could keep score

I wish i knew that ur limit had been reached

And your just watching this with ur foot in ur mouth when all u wanna do is laugh

Cause i just wanna laugh 

At this humiliation that is me

And i dont want u to feel sad

Cause why am i trying to impress someone that already admires me

And thinks im strong, what am i doing wrong? 

When have i not been the laughing stock

And if i have not

When have i not then, tried to make myself be

So then i could see myself in the light everyone else sees me

Cause without seeing me, ill just walk around invisibly

But i wanna be seen but your eyes are on me already

And i keep on forgetting, or my mind does

And my fingers want to interlock with urs forever, each tip to another

Each moment i wanna just forever spend with u in a continuum of time

That will race itself and never win, cause we will be crushing it