3 new poems for december

 12.9.24

Wondering what could be 

If i could see unbelieve

What i always have believed

And what would happen to empathy

But it was gone once numbness came

And in the brain shot all the flames

Winter came and never left

I was hoping for the best

But hoping ran away and i remained a shadow

And i contained a smile

That now turned into frown 

Mellow and collided with my heart of black

Finding all i tried and never get on track

Trying to combine my empathy i lack

Well here it is again, i'm never coming back

Trying to portray it like it was always near

Holding dear to heart even though it pains me so

What to do with all this rummage that i can’t step over

What to do with consciousness that was one life over

That belongs so long ago and has no shape here

I can’t fit my thoughts into living without fear

Wait i never did and so forgive myself i should

But breaking up my formation is a trying task

That i couldn't possibly accomplish without a full 

Deconstruction of the brain, into it comes something new

Deconstruction but what remains is way too hard to know

Im blinded with my bias, im relying on my sight

But here i see not one but many that stand in paths of misery

And i myself am a mystery and i can not contain the feeling

Of extraordinary failure to live in the present

Just sticking into going on the past train home

On staying in a memory and getting sticky from the glue

That plastered me to you

And all your happy smiles

And all you taught me for a while

And all i didn't do enough

And am i even quite that tough

And holding onto meaning was

Just a coincidence with happiness

12.9.24

Pleasure isn't painted like something i would have hated

Reason is i could have seized to exist a couple times

I was a really good understanding person

I was a really good therapist to worry and denial

But i fell into the river that few can return from

And when i forgot i can't swim, i landed in a perfect pile

Of a rushing landfill that goes and goes on and on

And never stops until it’s filled then overflows the top

And wishing i could covet and bring along myself

To a cleaner empty space to give myself a break

But why bring worry when you can joyously forgive

Yourself and all your outcomes because it was not worth for me

And i was not worth of it for it was much too much to ask

Of me, of everyone around, cause stupidity was found

And harder was it to find ones that would come together

And harder was it to push away loneliness forever

I want to be a part, a whole of one that was once

A sacred piece of my path that now became a stepping stone

That is really holding on thin ice that dunks me into icy water

From which i can not swim i can not anything for that matter

And here i stay in numb state like i could even form

A thought that fits another one , that truly I can not.

12.9.24

Mainly i was singing down the street a song

Tad a bit i hated what words were coming out

Failing i was trailing behind on words of mine

Thinking i was sinking, and so i stayed behind

So words came out before me and covered me so cruel

So packed was i with sorrow that it became a tool

And unlike me it unliked me and wrung me out to dry

Passion ceased and dissipated and so i came to cry

If only one was whole and id know my brain again

But drinking from a fountain of memories i tend

To do, over and over like i was never going anywhere

Like i'm immovable and something needs to crash

To propel me and excel me to consciousness unbound

I made a fairy tale of my life now i sit without

Any case of glory, any stride of glee

I just sit with hands amongst the treasures i can't see

Blame it on the horrible way i treated me

But i can’t seem to follow the path i dug so deep

My mind is tired, hands are same, and don’t get me started on my back

If I could just relax, if I could just relax.