Hello world it's the worst, that it’s been worse in my head
Recently, complacently, wouldn't know where to begin
Guess at the start but on my mark in my head it just won't part
That the start and the end are incoherent match
Because they’re both the feeling of guilt that i didn't know before
I won't try to sugarcoat, this is hard to even say
What i've phrased and what has come upon this morning day
Stay, but go is a better option for all. Wanderlust
But in the mud i feel relieved that i'm hidden
From the world but in the same breath i can be seen
But have I not been seen till now? well no, because i didn't see me
I just thought that since they saw me it's ok
But it isn't. i am sliding on the keyboard and writing
Like I know what i'm saying but here it is, It’s broken
Really broken thoughts, that don't combine with each other
And stay hidden from me in the end
Well here i am, i'm trying to understand if i even think clearly now
Suppose i don't, but here i was thinking i could think my way out
Of this madness that has been my brain- there is no clarity
I'll fix the mess as it comes to me, typing is crucial to go along with my thoughts
But they are in a fumble and they won't show themselves to me
Here i am, discrete but so much so, that i am that to me
And i didn’t understand me, after some time it became hard
But little by little I open up the doors to the store that is i
The doors to the floor that i lie, upon
That i rest and think that i'll be best after this rest
But instead i'm more tired than i've ever been
Here i am, sin
Here i am, grin
Like i know what i'm thinking about when my thoughts of despair
Are upon me like a hole in the ground that i fell into and can’t get out
Like a pond that i reached but a mirage within me
See clearly that i know i am thirsty and empty
And only my sleep at night will console me
Does this sound like knowing yourself? I think not. This sounds like the latter
Sounds like i really am proud of my past and wanna get back to it
As fast as i can, but something is stopping me at the door
The door that i finally know is the one that i should open
But it’s locked of course, and it's the door to me
It’s the door to my clarity
My identity
My overall need
My me
That i’m tapping on slowly then more violently
Wanting to enter has never been so desperate of a plea
My necessity
To enter me
And know i am one within myself and no one else
Needs to come but i shut myself out so long
I forgot the passcode to my thone
Of me, my jewels of minds my thinking thoughts
My rising ambition might as well be lost
My wondering lusts my care for all
My winter coats that kept me warm
My reasons, my justifications, my clouding the minds of others
My manipulations, even those sit there in the back somewhere
In my pandora's box that i need to see, just peak
But i remember what happens when i remember me
I remember the bad and the stuff i never got over
And it haunts me and taunts me and makes me run for cover
And i'm brave enough to take some shadows along
But i don't know what i want inside anymore
Cause the cause is there but the reason is naught
And the finishing product makes me sick at the thought
And the laying there empty with a head so yearning
Is more tempting to me than to go through it all
Over again, like i don't know the end
What's the point?
Where is the reason to strive
Even after i look in my daughter's eyes
I know she's counting on me for reasons for the rest of my seasons
And i have none, i used to have an answer to it all
Or even made it was enough to push me to next fall
But now all i wanna do is bawl.
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